(c) Diane MickelsonBlaming sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward and puts resolution in the hands of others…. As we finally start understanding that the world outside of us is a reflection of the world inside of us, we finally begin to understand why we may feel confused about who is to blame for the problems in our lives. If we had a difficult childhood . . . we may wonder how we can take responsibility for that? In our current relationships, the same questions arise…. We all know that blaming others is the opposite of taking responsibility, but we may not understand how to take responsibility for things that we don’t truly feel responsible for. We may blame our parents for our low self- esteem, and we may blame our current partner for exacerbating it with their unconscious behavior. This all seems to make sense. After all, it is not our fault if our parents were irresponsible or unkind and we are certainly not to blame for our partner’s bad behavior…. Sooooooo, perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming itself. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which iy becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. We cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the “smartness” of taking the situation into our own hands. We do this—- be forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free…. This does NOT have to be in person or a letter… just forgive them… We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrong doing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs omitted against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame. So the Blame game is: a person feels guilty or uncomfortable about something. That person finds a rationale why someone else is to blame. That person blames another. This person gains several benefits from this. He/she is excused from what they have done (which means they can do it again). They can play ‘poor me”. They can also claim social capital over the other person because that person will owe them something in return for their apparent failure. This game is driven by our need to explain …. Also the first person gets to play persecutor and gets to have associated pleasant feelings of power…. The Blame games include:
- Look what you made me do…..
- If it wasn’t for you…….