How to Know if the Relationship You Are In is the Real Deal

When something, or someone, shows up that looks like what you want, how do you decide if it truly is what you want or if it is another opportunity to gain clarity and fine tune your desires.

A very dear friend of mine is much like a younger sister. Our sons are the same age. I’m 20 years older than she is. That gives us quite a different perspective. I sometimes feel protective older sisterly when it comes to things she is dealing with in life.

She recently contacted me sharing news that she was in a new relationship and she offered a few details. As I “tuned in” to her and the relationship, I felt it was important to share some of the following …

I’ve added a great deal more for this article. These principles are valid regardless of the type of relationship you are in, romantic or otherwise, or what is going on within the relationship.


When something happens that seems like a road block or a giant sign saying, “go the other way,” its not necessarily the Universe saying, “no.” It could just be a sign asking if you are sure this is what you want or maybe its saying, “not now.”

Always try to still your emotions, find that quiet calm place of centeredness and inner peace, and feel into the situation and the person.

Does it feel stable, balanced, real, solid, grounded, good or does it cause you to hesitate, doubt, have caution, or concern? If something feels like quicksand, or like there is no solid ground, be very cautious.

When you are centered and balanced, tuning in and feeling things out gives you more real information than any amount of mental chatter, logic, or what ifs you can come up with.

When you aren’t sure, stand back up centered fully on your own two feet and stop leaning so much in the direction of the other person or situation. Get back to the truth of who you are and what you want. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person who makes you less than you can be.

Your happiness cannot depend on another. It has to rest squarely on you.

Never assume what something means. In fact, the best course of action is to always assume you don’t know and seek ways to figure out what things mean.

Two months in and already a potential big issue – proceed with caution.

It takes 6 months to a year and a half for most people to get through the endorphins of the honeymoon phase. Sadly for others it can take up to 3 years. Clear vision is practically impossible with those rosy colored glasses on.

I read an article in National Geographic about love. They did studies and found that of happily married couples who had been married 20 or more years, only 1 in 20 still experienced endorphins when thinking of the other. They watched what happened when they showed a picture of their spouse to the person. They literally had that honeymoon euphoria wash over them – even after 20 years. How cool is that? Anyway, that is what everyone is seeking, but few find.

So tune in constantly with how things feel. If something is said or done that feels weird, uncomfortable, unexpected in a not great way, back up and try to see it from all angles. Talk the situation over with a friend or confidant that is not involved and its even better if the person does not know both parties. They are more impartial that way.

The gauge I like to use with regard to relationship is about empowerment vs. disempowerment. Is it enhancing or diminishing to who you are? Is it beneficial or detrimental to your wellbeing, your happiness, and your achievement of your dreams?

As most people know, when dowsing about most things, the benefit/detriment chart is my absolute favorite and the one I use most often.

Whether you are dowsing about it, or just asking yourself the questions, the things I feel are most important to ask with any romantic relationship is, “If I stay with this person (continue this relationship), who will I be in 5 years?” “How will I feel about myself?” Those are the important questions to consider if you are planning on this being long term.

If being with someone means you have to diminish yourself, be less than all that you are, always be careful not to say the wrong thing, then the relationship is not at all beneficial for you.

If the person is critical, cuts you down, makes you wrong or doubt yourself, your abilities, your worthiness, or causes you to feel unhappy on a regular basis, obviously you have no business being in the relationship. And the sooner you get out, the better.

Had I stayed with my ex., I would never have become a bestselling author. Why? Because he never believed in my dreams, thought I was wasting my time sitting behind a computer, and often complained about me doing things that I’m passionate about. He just didn’t “get” me or appreciate who I am. I was not what he thought I should be, therefore he thought I needed to change. Thankfully circumstances were such that we parted ways and I have quite happily gone and done the things I’ve dreamed of doing and he has found another relationship that brings him joy.

You have to consider the level of consciousness a person is at. Most people who are reading this newsletter are of a very high vibration or level of consciousness. It is practically impossible for you to be, or remain, in a relationship with someone at a significant lower level.

In one of the books I’m working on right now I go into all this consciousness level and octave business in great detail. But to summarize the concept, I’ve broken the consciousness scale into 4 octaves. The one most of us have a hard time with is the first one. The people living in that octave are completely self absorbed and selfish. Its not their fault. Its just where they are. Sadly, most of the world’s population is in this octave. They are quickly moving up, but many of them are not there yet.

A person in octaves 2 or 3 simply can’t be in relationship with someone in the first octave. Those people are vampires by very definition. They have no direct connection to source (that they can effectively utilize), so they link up with others and feed off their energy (chi, life force). They run a lot of hidden agendas and their motives, regardless of how they look on the surface, are always self serving. Its quite difficult to see through the facade, or illusion, they run of who they are.

Things get tricky when you enter the picture. If you are at a high level of consciousness (living at a higher octave), just being in your presence raises others up. So if you are trying to check out where someone is, you are skewing the numbers.

You have to dowse it saying, “Show me (person’s name) level of consciousness 2 years ago (or some time frame long before you entered the picture). You can also say, “Show me (person’s name) true level of consciousness.”

I never trust my own dowsing on this and always get one or more friends to do the same. They need to be really clear and skilled dowsers too!

I recently started seeing a guy who reads higher on consciousness than anyone I’ve ever dated. It has nothing to do with how “spiritual” someone is. Its just who they are. When you are playing together in the same octave, the energy is vastly different and can be truly extraordinary.

The beautiful thing about people in higher octaves is that they don’t pretend to be something they are not. They are real. They have dropped the facade. They are comfortable with who they are and to the select few they decide to include in their inner circle, they are open, honest, deeply caring, and giving.

People in the first octave only appear to be those things. It sometimes takes quite a while to discover that they are not as they seem. Most people who are jaded about relationship have had a relationship with someone in the first octave and been left emotionally wounded and scarred.

Those wounds need to be healed. Thankfully, time in nature, in silence, working with vibrational tools like Dancing Dolphin products, journaling, working with a counselor of some kind can do amazing things towards that healing.

Consciousness changes all the time. If someone is facing a significant life challenge, are worried about something or someone, the numbers plummet.

I don’t really like telling people about consciousness. There is a huge temptation to compare and the ego wants to say, “Look at me I’m this great thing because I’m vibing at this level.” So proceed with caution. Don’t trust yourself and the answers you get, because the ego does want to be oh so important.

The bottom line is if you are vibing at say 600 or 700 on the consciousness scale (which is freaking high by the way) and you are dating someone at 300, it is NEVER going to work. Get out early, because there is no way it can be harmonious in the long term.

And even though in the beginning you bring them up. As they continue to vampire your energy over time, your vibration and consciousness will plummet. It can affect your health. It can definitely negatively impact your self esteem, confidence, and level of happiness.

Once again, it is better to be alone than to be involved in that.

When you live in a high vibration, its like moths to the flame. Realize that about yourself and be careful what you get involved in.


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Be Careful What You Wish For

Be Careful What You Ask For - Genie Lamp

I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “Be careful what you wish for.”

Every time I read those words or hear someone say them, I smile.


Because I’ve manifested so many amazing things over the years. And you do, in fact, have to be careful what you ask or wish for.

I often jump up and dance whenever I hear the song, “When I Grow Up,” by The Pussycat Dolls. I love the lines that say, “Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.”

My friend, Randolph Craft, often ends his Facebook posts with, “Be careful what you ask for.” Randy is living the life of his dreams. He was a very close friend and student of Buckminster Fuller. He travels and teaches extensively throughout the Far East where he enjoys fame and fortune. When he returns to the states, he lives in a gorgeous secluded little spot in Hawaii where he enjoys a much simpler life of water sports, painting, playing music, and harvesting native fruit growing on his property.

You can read a million and one things about the Law of Attraction. Some of it is good and some of it is not. Much of it doesn’t get to the core of how it works, because, quite frankly, the teachers of the subject don’t really understand it.

We aren’t going to go into the nuances of the Law of Attraction here. The topic is too big to cover in an article.

What we are going to talk about is how to let the Universe know what you want.

I’ve always known what I wanted. Maybe that makes me unique. But I just know who I am, what I want, what I like and what I don’t like.

I’m much better at manifesting certain things than others.  I’ve always had this knack for manifesting fabulous life experiences, trips to exotic places, wonderful, interesting, fun, unique friends, and on occasion, romance.

I had basically given up on that last one. My marriage really did a number on how much I trusted myself and my ability to tell the difference between a “good” guy and a not so good guy. For five years I had the best marriage most people had ever seen. People often commented about how we interacted with one another and with our young son. There was an amazing level of harmony. People who could see energy said we were in complete union. And we were freaking happy.

Early on in our relationship we sat in on a lecture with Cat Cunningham, a famous teacher and channel. She was in the middle of talking and just stopped and stared at us. She asked if we were in a relationship of some kind. We said yes. She said she had never seen this phenomenon before. Cat sees a person’s animal totem in their energy field. She said that there was a wolf and a coyote and they were jumping back and forth between our energy fields. She was completely fascinated by it.

So when he started cheating, it completely threw me. And, being as in tune energetically as I am, I knew the moment it happened – the first time anyway. He was in Florida teaching a workshop and I was in New Mexico. I was literally pacing the floor absolutely knowing something was VERY wrong. The marriage bond, the trust, the energetic union between us was completely shattered in that moment and it simply never recovered. There are so many factors involved, there is no way to point to one thing and say, “that’s the reason my marriage fell apart.”

It gave me a great reason to do some extraordinarily deep inner work and who I’ve become because of it, I feel, is phenomenal.  Thank God for Millie Stefani. I simply would not be who I am today without her being there day after day, week after week, year after year as my confident, mentor, and friend.  Her insight, channeling and healing ability, truly helped me not only get through all the emotional pain and “issues” I had to address, but to achieve a level of personal magnificence few even dream possible.

The truth is, he wasn’t the right guy for me. It seemed like it at the time. But one of the many things I’ve been shown is that where you are mentally and emotionally when you meet someone has a lot to do with who you draw to yourself as you send out that vibration. I was at the lowest point I have ever been when he showed up.

There are no mistakes. My son is fantastic and the result of my marriage. But remaining together with my ex. was not in either of our best interests.

After the divorce and my dad’s cancer scare, I moved to Virginia and dated a few guys I’d dated previously in high school where the relationships had ended and I was left with feelings of rejection. I got to clean all that up and complete those. Thank heavens. Because those people were definitely not who I needed to be with either.

When I got back from Fiji, I concluded that I was done with romance. And I went about my merry little way for 3 years like that.

I’ve dated quite a few guys – from all walks of life, from all sorts of backgrounds, from millionaires to starving artists and lots of things in between. Because of who I am and how I’m wired, I simply didn’t believe there was anyone who could see all of who I am and appreciate that properly, ignite my passion, be smart, sexy, and interesting enough that I would love spending time with them. I have dated or been friends with guys who could do one or more of those things, but never all. I was very happy on my own.

Sometimes though, your Soul knows a lot more about what you want than you do.

The crazy thing is you don’t even have to believe it’s possible. That’s something I doubt you will ever hear from a Law of Attraction instructor.

But I’ve done that now several times.

I had in the back of my mind somewhere that I wanted to be a bestselling author. I’m sure every author feels that way. But I truthfully didn’t believe it was possible. And if it was possible, I thought it would be for the book I’m writing right now, not the one I published last year that became a bestseller.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t that hard to accomplish. I had to get out of my own way and I did have to do a few things I was nervous about. But actual effort was pretty minimal. Guess that’s why authors want to work with me now. I seem to be pretty damn good at inspiring writers, helping them succeed, and giving them beneficial tools, templates, and direction.

So for a person who consciously didn’t want a relationship, I did a couple of dumb things in the opposite direction. Things that I know were contributing factors to the mess I’m in now. I say that laughingly because I’m kidding about it being a mess. What’s going on is extraordinary, but we’ll get to all that.

I love this show out of Canada called Lost Girl. It’s about the magical world of Fae and it is over the top steamy. Every episode gives you an opportunity to learn about a new kind of Fae (faerie, magical person, person with unusual abilities – all stealing energy from humans). I find each one to be an exaggeration of what really goes on between people and the energy vampirism that happens all the time. I’m actually understanding a few new things about energy by watching it.

There is a romantic triangle. Bo, the lost girl, and main character is a succubus – one who feeds of the sexual energy of others. Hence the steaminess of the show. Her first primary relationship was with Dyson, a Fae who shape shifts into a werewolf. The sexual intensity between them is palpable and intoxicatingly believable. Once the wolf gives his heart over to another, it’s a done deal. He mates and is loyal for life. He has been willing to die for her on more than one occasion and the passion between them is of an intensity that few dream possible.

The other part of the triangle is a female doctor named Lauren. I don’t have a problem with lesbianism, but I don’t really like the doctor’s character and the energy between Bo and Lauren just doesn’t feel real. They are saying the lines, acting romantic and passionate, but there is just no energy there. And when you can feel energy like I can, you pick that stuff up. So it feels really dead for me.

Obviously, I want Bo to end up with Dyson in the end. After watching an episode one evening, being all caught up in the intensity and passion involved, I said out loud, “I want a wolf.”


Then I did an exceedingly dumb thing. I started pretending a little fantasy before bed for 3 or 4 nights running. It was just a made up story in my head that made me feel good and was fun to do before drifting off to sleep.

The fantasy was me teaching classes somewhere, staying in the home of a person hosting me there, and this guy showing up early because he had read my work and wanted to get to know me better. I was really busy but wanted to get to know him as well. So I asked that he just sit near me while I worked.

When we were in one another’s energy fields sitting side by side, it was allowing the two of us to “communicate” on a different level. We were getting to KNOW one another without words, without affection, just basking in one another’s radiance. Whoever he was, it felt fabulous to be in his presence. And I would drift off to sleep. Just so ya know, most of my romantic ideas are completely PG. It cracks me up some times how romantic it is and not more.

Anyway, by the third day of this, in my head we had spent the day together sightseeing and were now lying side by side holding hands. I brought his hand up (still holding it) to rest on my chest. Like placing the back of his hand right next to my heart. This feeling came over me that I just can’t describe. It was exquisite, full of joy and this quiet feeling of elation.

O.K. now I’ve really gone and done it.

I didn’t know I was “calling in” anyone. I was just playing a stupid game of make believe as a seemingly harmless form of entertainment.

One should never do such things at the level of vibration I am. Especially if one is serious about not wanting a relationship. Because after that, there is basically no turning back.

Next thing I know this guy shows up out of nowhere.

For a couple of years now several of my friends have been saying that someone was coming my way. I just didn’t see it. I didn’t feel it as being true and I didn’t believe there was anyone that would really be the “right” guy. And I really couldn’t believe anyone living in the local area would be someone I would find even remotely interesting. I’m a world traveler, an engineer, and a bestselling author. My view of the world and beliefs are vastly different than most, particularly people in the bible belt. I had decided they just all thought I deserved a great guy. Friends want friends to be happy. What I concluded that they didn’t understand was that I was already happy.

Anyway, I saw him coming from 3 states away and it freaked me out a bit. It takes a lot to get me bent out of shape, but it was becoming obvious that this guy was heading in this direction and it made me nervous. I had no idea why.

I had plans to go away on a writer’s retreat while Jess was away in Canada, but those plans fell through just a couple of days before they were to start. I was kind of disappointed, but when I tuned in about changing plans and going somewhere else to write, I got that something had shifted and to just watch and see how things unfold.

This guy and I have been traveling similar circles for many years. For probably 15 years, we lived in close proximity and never once crossed paths. I had heard his name before, but I’m not sure he knew who I was or had ever heard of me.

But a friend got us connected through Facebook and we shared a few private messages. Then I noticed him posting things first in one location and then another. Next thing I know he’s only 3 hours away. I literally sent him a message saying “what are you doing?” It was almost confrontational like “what the heck are you up to, you aren’t supposed to be heading this way.” It’s all pretty comical about now. He said he was visiting relatives and I forgot all about it.

A few days later I got an invitation for coffee. O.K. I wasn’t looking (consciously anyway) and I hadn’t had a date in 3 years. Why was I nervous? I think the answer is because I could feel what was happening on some level long before my brain figured things out.

Time flew past as we shared stories with one another, laughed all the while about the places we’d lived and things we’d done, never once meeting. Later the same day there was an invitation for drinks. We enjoyed wine and cheesecake and many more stories. After a few hours of great conversation and laughter, the venue turned up the music volume for the party crowd and I asked if he would sit beside me because I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

Bad move. (kidding)

So there we were sitting next to one another – very reminiscent of my little fantasy about being next to some very special guy and having communication happening on many levels. And then somewhere in the middle of wine and cheesecake, we kissed. I’ll probably never be the same ever again!

It was like every cell in my body ignited – holy smokes batman. Oh no, it’s like that intensely passionate wolf thing. I really never saw this coming.

I never thought I would date again. I certainly never expected this guy to show up and I never thought I would ever feel like this.

Sometime several days later we were lying next to one another holding hands, the back of his hand against my chest, and I realized I was feeling exactly how I felt when I saw/felt that in my imagination.

There are lots of ways to look at all this.

Did I force it? Was it some sort of hocus pocus manipulation on my part?

I don’t think so.

He is an extraordinary guy and he is who he is. I think he was there, the energy was there, the potential was there, long before I ever played these imaginary games. I think the mind game just aligned me with the possibility and going into the feeling of that allowed it to become part of my reality.

When you:

  • know who you are,
  • are in complete alignment with your Soul (or higher self or the Divine),
  • are living your passion,
  • have raised your vibration significantly (time in nature helps immensely),
  • have healed the emotional wounding and limiting beliefs in a particular area of your life,

then the slightest little focus in that direction moves mountains.

If you are interested in manifesting your desires, one of the best ways to do so is to get in harmony with what you want. I created the Law of Attraction Kit to help you do just that. Law of Attraction Kit


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