Lasting Friendships and Romantic Relationships Require Courage, Commitment, and a Fair Bit of Confidence

Growing and evolving into the person you want to be – the Magnificent U – requires that you “get real” with yourself and everyone else in your life. You learn to be authentic, honest, genuine, and real. That comes with a price though. That price is called vulnerability.

It takes courage, commitment, and a fair bit of confidence to speak about things that really matter. But being brutally honest without taking into consideration the potential emotional damage your words might cause to the “other” is selfish, unkind, and uncaring.

Speak honestly and truthfully with others – at all times. But do it as kindly and gently as possible – particularly when talking about things that the other person might take wrong or personally.

People, for the most part, don’t do well with criticism or having uncomfortable situations and conversation. They would prefer to avoid things like that.

When criticized, they often move into attack mode. Words that feel like finger pointing and accusations ruffle their feathers and they throw up the emotional armor shields, enter fight or flight mode, and get ready with angry words and fists on occasion.

However, the emotionally mature person, who is coming from a place of genuine love and appreciation of the person and deeply values the relationship, is not afraid to have uncomfortable conversations. They know that love and truth take relationships to a deeper place and they feel its worth it to get to the other side of whatever is temporarily uncomfortable in order to have something more meaningful and magnificent in the end.

Amazing things happen when you muster up the courage to talk openly, honestly, and kindly about mis-understandings or other issues that open you up to the potential of feeling rejected by the other person.. My willingness to do that has allowed me to develop and keep many deep and wonderful friendships.

When you can remain calm, clear, confident, and connected (the things I teach you how to achieve and maintain), you have an inner knowing about what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. Instead of reacting automatically with anger or sadness to the words or actions of another, you stay in neutral and respond with love. It definitely takes courage. But WOW is it worth it!

When you come from a place of truly loving and caring about another person and their feelings, and are willing to risk getting hurt yourself because of any potential backlash they might throw your way, they can feel that love and appreciation. And they do respond to it.

Everyone wants to feel loved, honored, accepted and appreciated for who they are.

Be the kind of friend or romantic partner you desire to have in your life.

Have a deLightful day,

Return to the Magnificent U home page.

 

15 comments:

  1. I agree with this completely. Communication is key. When ever there is a problem you should always talk about it calmly and try to resolve things head on without attacking. If you keep your feelings to yourself you then end up resenting one another and that’s not good. Making a relationship also requires commitment like you said! Thanks for sharing!

     

  2. I find that if I know the end I have in mind, which is typically that we end up with an ever deeper and more loving relationship (whether it be romantic or friendship in nature), that I say things that help us get to that place. Attacking and making someone wrong are never the way to achieve such an end. When you remember that you truly do love this person and feel blessed by having them in your life, how to approach various topics become much easier.


  3. I lean toward thinking that you cannot have truly open communication without vulnerability. That ties strongly to trust, as well. I know my past relationships have suffered from a lack of deep honest communication. I am looking forward to cultivating this aspect of relationships more and more in the future. Thanks for the post!


  4. You are very welcome. I believe that the ability to communication well is one of the most important skills that everyone needs to master. Its the foundation of everything else

  5. Great post. Learning to communicate your feelings with others in a positive and constructive way is very important for everyone who is involved. Be kind and compassionate. We also need to be good listeners. Even though you may not understand someone’s feeling does not mean they are not real to that person. Accepting each other for who we are is key to building lasting and true relationships.

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  6. Absolutely agree. Thanks for stopping by!


  7. Yes, I believe communication is key. One must also be a good listener. It’s not always easy to understand the other person but that does not mean they don’t have reason for feeling as they do. If only people would take the time to sit down and talk rather than pretend there is no problem. You’ve shared some wonderful options. Thank you. 🙂

     

  8. I am a long-term friend and I have best friends since I was a teenager, back in Europe. Yet, I have to admit, it was incredibly hard to make American friends for the last ten years since I live in the US. Most people I met were emotionally isolated and very cautious to invest in a friendship. It’s probably a cultural difference. I found it easier to make friends with Asian people than with Americans.

     

  9. Simona – I know what you mean about it being hard to make friends. I’ve lived all over the U.S. and even in some locations internationally. Some places are simply much more friendly than others. I found it very easy to make friends in Santa Fe, NM, Portland, OR, and San Diego, CA. However, in Virginia and Pennsylvania, it took a great deal longer. Also, there are locations where the population has not traveled very much, have large extended families, and therefore kind of “stick to their own.” Those communities can be much harder than in others where people relocate often. Attending events around things you are interested in is often a good way to make friends since you all have something in common to talk about.

     

  10. It is sometimes difficult to fully open up to a good friend no matter how long you’ve known them. There are some things that are just too personal. If there’s an issue between the both of you, I think communicating and sharing your thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening environment is a good step for reaching resolution.

     

  11. “Amazing things happen when you muster up the courage to talk openly, honestly, and kindly about mis-understandings or other issues that open you up to the potential of feeling rejected by the other person.”
    Courage is important, as I try to reflect on what I am about to say in a critical situation I try to select the best words to use in the most kind way. Great advice Takara

     

  12. Nice post, I love the idea of being kind and compassionate in open communication.

     

  13. I don’t show too much of my vulnerable side in relationships. It is hard to fully trust someone

     

  14. Glad that you mentioned “kindness” with the “open and honesty” conversations. There is so much that can be said and received if the person presents it gently and with a kind heart. Nice post!

     

  15. Great post, Takara. Communication is definitely key in any relationship. It can be difficult to open up and be vulnerable, but the rewards are priceless. I love how your put it, “Amazing things happen when you muster up the courage to talk openly, honestly, and kindly about mis-understandings or other issues that open you up to the potential of feeling rejected by the other person.”


 

It’s a New Year, Why Not Experience a New You?

Welcome to 2014!

Its quickly becoming an extraordinary year of breakthroughs and new realizations.

In my latest newsletter, I share with readers some of the highlights for me from 2013.

Now it’s your turn.

I encourage you to reflect on 2013 as well. Take out some paper and a pen, your journal, or an Evernote note.

Even though I use Evernote every day, for an exercise like this, I actually prefer paper and pen. There is something about the right brained creative nature of writing that allows things to flow differently than if I am typing the answers. As you answer the following questions, don’t limit yourself to just 1 answer. Let it flow until it is complete and then go on to the next question. Consider the following about 2013:

What and who do you feel blessed by having in your life?

What was extraordinary?

What was tough?

What did you learn from both types of experiences?

Growth happens when you learn and change.

What were the top five (5) things that are most important to you? (Some examples might be your children, spouse or partner, health, career, a project or hobby, friendships, religious or community organization … you get the idea)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Did you devote as much time and attention as you would like to toward each one in 2013?

Think about how you can devote more time to those things that matter most in 2014.

Look at the whole year and determine the one best experience that brought you the greatest amount of joy.

What are the top 5 things you want to accomplish or experience in 2014? (Goals work much better if they are measuable. Saying I want to weigh a certain amount or lose 2″ off my waist is much more effective than saying I want to be happier. If you can’t measure it, then you don’t know when you have achieved it.)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

As you look at what you want to accomplish or experience for 2014, is there a way to include more of things like that one great moment in those goals and desires.

What did you learn about yourself this year?

How has that knowledge helped your health, wealth, relationships, or level of joy?

Richard Bolles, the brilliant man who brought us the amazingly helpful book, What Color is Your Parachute, says in another of his wonderful books, The Three Boxes of Life, that you need to experience work, play, and learning in equal amounts of be balanced and happy.

I remember a quite handsome surfer dude from California, whom I met when he was getting a Ph.D. in electrical engineering at Virginia Tech, said, “If you are going to work hard, then you need to play hard.” I never forgot that. And I’ve always managed to do that whether the “play” was wine and great conversation with friends, travel adventures, skiing, in-line skating, listening to live music, attending festivals and other events, dancing, hiking, meditating on the beach or a mountain top, growing flowers, taking photographs, creating articles, books, or graphics, leading groups, or any number of other things that bring me joy.

When you plan the year ahead, make sure there are things that you enjoy in the mix.

Also make sure there is quiet time, time to yourself to read, knit, enjoy a hot tub or bubble bath, journal, or just kick back and relax.

I spend hours on the phone with my best friends. It keeps me sane. Part of the time we are discussing spiritual concepts that I’m working on as part of what I teach. Other times we help each other look at our life through another lens learning and growing through life’s daily challenges.

Somewhere in your life you need to have people who love, honor, accept, and appreciate you for who you are. I am blessed to have many of those – probably because I’ve learned to love, honor, accept, and appreciate myself. I also have a pretty cool affirmation I’ve been saying for years that goes something like this: “I have lots of fabulous, interesting, uplifting friends from all over the globe who are fun, love to laugh, are passionately living life, and who make a positive difference in the world.” The “uplifting” bit makes a HUGE difference. Its easy to find people who suck your energy and complain all the time bringing you down. Having people who are upbeat, passionate, and uplifting to be around is a true blessing.

Look at the main areas of your life and decide where you want to experience change or improvement:

  • health
  • level of joy
  • wealth
  • love / romance
  • family
  • friendships / community
  • career / work
  • hobbies / passions
  • spirituality / religion
  • home (environment, location, how nurturing is it to be there)

Think of ways to incorporate those areas into your goal setting and planning for the year.

In the Foundation Course I’m developing, we are going to do a deep dive into each of these areas and how to create significant transformation in each of them.

To achieve your dreams significantly easier and faster requires that you let go of fear, limiting beliefs, judgments and expectations that are all holding you back and ensuring that you stay safely inside the box you’ve created for yourself – not achieving or doing anything new.

What fears, limiting beliefs, judgments, and/or expectations did you let go of in 2013?

That is the true mark of success!

Here’s to a fabulous 2014,

Return from It’s a New Year, Why Not Experience a New You in 2014 to the Magnificent U home page.